Freedom Within Limits: Teaching my Toddler Sidewalk Safety

One of my favorite Montessori concepts is freedom within limits, but figuring out how to set those limits is not always easy. A mom on the Montessori 101 Facebook group was recently asking how to keep her 16-month-old daughter safe when they go out in public. She didn’t want to resort to a leash, but didn’t know how else to keep her fast-moving daughter from darting into the street or otherwise putting herself in danger.

Her question got me thinking about the approach I’ve been taking with my 17-month-old, and the limits I set when we go for walks in our neighborhood. The struggle with giving young toddlers independence is that they’re really good at putting themselves in danger. At 17 months, my son is old enough to run into traffic but not yet old enough to know better! Here’s how I give him as much freedom as possible while still enforcing safety rules and respect for private property:

First of all, Lindsay’s story about A Walk with a 12-Month-Old has inspired me to let my son choose the direction and set the pace on a lot of our walks. This gives him a lot more freedom than if I’m constantly calling “Come this way, we’re going to the post office!” For instance, when he finds a set of steps that are shallow enough for him to climb with no hands, he can spend an entire 10 minutes on them without me getting impatient and calling him away.

Another kind of freedom I give him is to let him do slightly risky things. While he’s very likely to fall when he starts running full-tilt down the hill, he’s very unlikely to get seriously injured. In situations like this, I let him take the risk and experience the consequences for himself. He’s learned pretty quickly how to be careful and avoid falls.

Of course when the consequences are bigger than a skinned knee, I can’t let him learn from experience. While I don’t hold his hand very much on the sidewalk, I make sure to keep my body between him and the street at all times, especially when we’re on a busier street without a barrier of parked cars to shield us from the traffic. If he dashes toward the street, I’m already in position to block him.

(This requires that I keep my full attention on him and be ready to move fast. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this method if I had other kids with me or was otherwise distracted. That’s another reason why it’s important that the walk be all about him.)

When he starts heading for the curb, I enforce a limit: I crouch down and stick my arm out on the boundary line between the sidewalk and the street while saying “Stop!” in a firm voice. I think using this physical action to show him the boundary is important, since toddlers learn through experience, not just words. Rather than immediately grabbing him, I try to put my arm out in front of him where he can see and respond to it. I give him a chance to stop himself before he gets to the curb, since that is ultimately what I want him to learn.

If he turns himself around, I say, “Yes, you stopped yourself. That’s good.” But if he tries to duck under my arm or otherwise continue going into the street, I pick him up or gently pull him back to the center of the sidewalk. Using a serious voice, I’ll say something like, “I’m not going to let you go in the street. It’s dangerous.” I do my best not to let him touch the street with so much as a toe.

On residential streets with barely any traffic, I let him go all the way up to the edge of the curb. When we’re on a busier street, however, I maintain a bigger buffer by standing in the way and gently steering him if he gets too close. I’ll say “Stay on the sidewalk!” as a verbal reminder. I also stick closer to him and keep my attention locked on him on the streets with traffic.

The other limits I set are around respecting other people’s property. I let him climb on stoops and porch steps, but if there’s stuff on the porch I don’t let him touch it, and I keep him out of gardens.

If he starts to head past someone’s house toward their backyard, I call out “Stop!” and give him a moment to respond. Sometimes he stops to look at me, but then runs away giggling. I chase him down, scoop him up, and say, “I said stop. If you don’t stop yourself, then I’m going to stop you.” I might also tell him that it’s private property and we don’t have permission to go there. Then I carry him for a minute or two before putting him down for another chance.

Overall, I’ve been surprised by just how quickly he learns. After a few weeks of these walks, he’s gotten pretty good at staying away from the street. When he wants to cross, he reaches up for my hand and we walk across together. He’s also started to stop himself when I say stop, at least some of the time. (The cutest thing is when he repeats after me: “Dop!”) Sometimes he’ll veer off the main sidewalk towards someone’s backyard, but then bring himself back without me even having to say stop.

I know every child and every situation is different but I hope you’ve found something helpful from my experience! And if you have an example of freedom within limits to share, please leave a comment.